There's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm not who I used to be. Before having children, before getting married, I was a different person. Energetic, patient, joyful, confident. And somewhere along the way, that person got lost amidst the sleepless nights of motherhood and the everyday stresses of a single-income marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and a mother. But I'm on a mission. You see, I've come to realize that I deserve better. Oh yes, my family deserves better from me too, but in order to give them a better me, I have to be motivated to become a better me for myself. It's not just about gaining weight, yelling at my kids, or being grumpy most of the time. Those, I believe, are just the outward fruits of the seeds I've been sowing. A few years ago I traded in my spiritual passion and commitment to my faith, for the burden of trying to do everything in my own strength, my own power, my own pride. I guess deep down, I really believe that I can do a better job with my life than God can.
Anyway, my mind is still processing this realization and I'm not sure of all the paths that I will head down. I do know that it's time for some pretty major changes in my life. And I'm starting with my spirit. My spirit has been dried up and cynical for quiet some time, and it's time to get out the hoe, if you will, and start digging up fresh dirt.
Tomorrow I'm making a big commitment. I'm joining Bible Study Fellowship, and it's serious Bible Study at it's best. The focus is not on sitting around with your cup of coffee and chatting with your neighbor for an hour. Frankly, I've got plenty of that in my life, and I need those times to keep my sanity. But BSF focuses on the actual BIBLE STUDY. We will be studying the book of Matthew and have daily studies to do at home, with teaching and discussion happening during the meetings. A big commitment, but something I desperately need in my life. Discipline.
I've got some other ideas about how to bring discipline and more order to my life, but for now, I'm keeping them to myself. Sometimes I'm too quick to share things and don't spend enough time on developing those things. But I'd encourage you to click on the button at the top of this post and read the article that's featured there. It only served to confirm what I believe God's been putting on my heart for a long time. I guess I'm finally ready to grow again.
4 comments:
Melissa, we need these moments in our lives when we step back onto the path we've slowly veered off of. It's like we've fallen asleep at the wheel, huh?
I hope you enjoy the book of Mathew. I studied that book indepth a few years back and wrote almost a hundred pages on it. It was my attempt at a book that never got finished. But I learned a lot, so I'm glad I did it!
Thanks for posting the Live Well button. You've inspired me today.
This is an awesome post, Melissa -- I think it's the best one you've ever done, but then I'm into the deep reflective stuff. Thanks for sharing so honestly. You've inspired me as well.
Love you!
I'm proud of you Melissa. Being able to find your own true faults and learn from them is a tough thing to do, so bravo. One thing I just have to add is that I have to disagree with you ever being patient. :c) Not once have I ever thought that Missy Randall was a patient woman...anyways I'm obviously just joking and I dont believe you have told me what to do in about 15 years so thats one thing you have kept good at.
But remember self realizing your own faults is the easy part of the problem. Changing is the tough part, but if there is one person I know can do it, it is you.
-your brother
Thanks for the post and the honesty, Melissa....
BTW I did a BSF study last year-- Romans-- AWESOME. The in-depth study was so rich, very rewarding. It came just at the right time for me, too... Unfortunately I can't make it this year due to scheduling changes... but I know God will work through the study to change you and make you more like Him!
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